


Magnus Archives: After Hours Shenanigans

by CobaltTungsten



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:12:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26160169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CobaltTungsten/pseuds/CobaltTungsten
Summary: Jon asks Martin to come in to take a Statement, but Jon finds out he's not quite ready to give it. Perhaps Jon just needs a little push.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	1. The Confession

[CLICK]

[ _ Knock at the door, recorder crashing to the floor] _

**Archivist**

Oh… bloody hell.

[ _ Louder] _ Who is it?

**Martin**

_ [Door opens] _

You said you wanted to record a statement?

**Archivist**

Oh… yes, of course. Sorry, you’re just… earlier than I expected.

**Martin**

Oh, I’m sorry I just had some time. I can come back later if you-

**Archivist**

No it’s um, [ _ Clears throat _ ] a good as time as any I suppose.

**Martin**

What statement did you need, if I may ask? Nothing overly weird has gone on lately… although I must admit that’s not setting the bar too high.

**Archivist**

No, it’s really not. Although, today is more about a statement from… me.

**Martin**

Oh? Well, I’m sure you can take your own statement Mr. Head Archivist.

**Archivist**

True, I can, but I find statements with another person present are more, how should I say it, impactful.

**Martin**

Oh, so you’re just worried people won’t believe you? Well, I can assure you that-

**Archivist**

[ _ Sighs _ ]

Believe me when I say that isn’t it. It’s just I’m not very good at this sort of thing.

**Martin**

Jon… are you okay? You’re looking a little flustered.

[ _ Short silence _ ]

You didn’t happen to find another book by that Leitner fellow did you?

**Archivist**

What? No, it’s noth-

**Martin**

It’s not another Prentiss is it?

**Archivist**

I promise it’s not-

**Martin**

Because I swear, this time they won’t surprise us by coming through the walls. That and I swear if they try to lay another hand on-

**Archivist**

Martin, calm down. It’s not another Prentiss, or Leitner. It’s nothing like that at all.

[ _ Martin takes a deep calming breath _ ]

**Martin**

Alright, if you say so.

[ _ Short pause _ ]

**Archivist**

Although, if I may, who was that you were getting so defensive over?

**Martin**

[ _ Nervously _ ] Oh, no one in particular. Just that I’d… you know, “Throw Down” as Tim would say.

**Archivist**

That man always did remind me more of a Yank.

[ _ Jon and Martin chuckle lightly, before resuming their awkward pause _ ]

**Martin**

Well, what is the Statement about?

**Archivist**

W-well, you see it’s important I actually get it out. I’ve more or less just kept it to myself.

**Martin**

Yeah, that’s generally why we do Statements.

[ _ Jon stutters inchorrently for a few moments before sighing _ ]

**Archivist**

So, do you see what I’m trying to say?

**Martin**

I don’t even hear what you’re trying to say.

**Archivist**

What I’m trying to say is… what I mean is…

[ _ A chair scrapes across the floor as Martin stands up _ ]

**Martin**

Listen, you know I’m willing to help out with anything. But right now it doesn’t feel like you’re really wanting to, or ready, to give me your statement. I’ll just send in Tim or-

**Archivist**

Oh to hell with it… you try to fight these things.

[ _ Distorted as Archivist uses his power _ ] What is it you’re trying to say to Martin?

**Martin**

Jon… that’s just your reflection.

  
**Archivist**

I’ve had feelings for him for a while, it all started shortly after Prentiss attacked us. How attentive he was, how much he worried after me, the fact that he has been ready with tea right after I finished a Statement ever since Prentiss.

The fact that I can’t go a day without him accidentally bumping into me in the halls, on the way into the Institute… even the silly way he pretends to be busy with work till just after I’m done. He thinks I don’t know he’s waiting for me, but I do.

How often he defends me to the others, asking for their patience and understanding, and the fact that he understands the difficult position I’m in on a day-to-day basis. I don’t know when he decided to be this loyal, this helpful, hell… this attentive to my needs… even less so understanding how I ever earned it.

I mean, what have I done? I’ve grumped around, pretending day in and day out to not notice him, pretending to disbelieve almost everything that’s come our way, and yet somehow this… wonderful man, has attached himself to me. I don’t know how to tell him how much he means to me, and I know even less of how to tell him that I’m scared to hell and back to lose that.

[ _ A long pause before either one says anything _ ]

**Martin**

How long have you known you could do it to yourself?

**Archivist**

I, uh, didn’t. I just tried because it shouldn’t be that bloody hard to say something.

**Martin**

Jon, do you mean it?

**Archivist**

Well of course I bloody well mean it… why would I go through the trouble of embarrassing my-

[ _ Martin cuts John off, a distinct if not rather passionate sound in the background _ ]

[ _ Jon chuckles quietly _ ]

**Martin**

Just promise me one thing.

**Archivist**

What’s that?

**Martin**

We’re not telling Tim.

[ _ Jon laughs _ ]

**Archivist**

Hell no. Tim is the village gossip. If we told him, the whole building would know in like an hour, and several more explicit iterations of the truth.

**Martin**

[ _ Martin chuckles, then sighs lightly. _ ]

Yeah… true. Oh wait, didn’t you turn the recorder on right before I came in?

**Archivist**

[ _ Shuffling _ ]

Oh… bollocks.

[ _ Click _ ]

\------------------------

[ _ Click _ ]

**Elias**

You owe me 50 pounds Tim.

[ _ Elias laughing heartily _ ]

[ _ Click _ ]


	2. Messing with Jon pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim decides to have some fun at the expense of Jon.

[ _Click_ ]

**TIM**

[ _Hushed_ ] Are you sure this was the one he was just working on?

**DAVE**

[ _Hushed_ ] Positive. It was still in the recorder when I nabbed it.

**GREG**

Why are you guys whispering? Jon’s gone home for the evening.

**TIM**

[ _Hushed_ ] Um… because… [ _Clears throat a couple times]_ it’s not important. Greg, is everything ready?

**GREG**

Down to the last detail.

**TIM**

Excellent.

[ _Hurried walking, a door opening and the sound of people filing into a room_ ]

**DAVE**

Are you sure we should be doing this? I mean, he could possibly fire us.

**GREG**

Oh, what is there to be afraid of? It’s not like we’re recording over the Statement, right?

[ _A moment of silence_ ]

**TIM**

Oh sh-

[ _Click]_

_\-----------_

[ _Click_ ]

**TIM**

No no, it’s fine. He might get a bit of a jumpscare but we didn’t record over anything.

[ _Greg and Dave both sigh in relief_ ]

Now… let’s do this like we practiced. Dave, you-

[ _Door opens_ ]

**SASHA**

Tim, what are you doing in this closet?

**TIM**

Oh, nothing important.

[ _Dead silence_ ]

**SASHA**

Well, if you’re sure-

**TIM**

[ _Excitedly_ ] Actually, wait! Now that I think on it, you should join us!

**SASHA**

Probably not.

**TIM**

Oh come on, you’d love it! We’re going to be singing.

**SASHA**

More than likely not.

**TIM**

We’re going to be singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight, who doesn’t love to belt out a couple bars of that song?

**SASHA**

I’d rather not.

**TIM**

Come on… do it because you love me?

**SASHA**

[ _Pointedly_ ] No.

**GREG and DAVE**

Ouch/Oof.

[ _Tim sighs_ ]

**TIM**

[ _Dejectedly_ ] We’re recording it on one of Jon’s Statement tapes.

**SASHA**

Wait… you’re doing this strictly to mess with Jon?

**TIM**

Yes.

**SASHA**

The first time you ask me to do something with you in weeks, and it’s to make trouble for Jon?

**TIM**

Yes?

**SASHA**

Alright, I’m in.

[ _Tim sighs and chuckles lightly_ ]

**TIM**

Great, I thought you’d like to do this.

**SASHA**

But if I get fired because of this I will make it my life’s goal to introduce you to Leightner.

**TIM**

No promises! Now, here’s how it’s going to be.

[ _Light shuffling as Tim arranges things_ ]

Okay, so I’ll be singing the chorus, Dave and Greg will be singing the backup, and Sasha you’ll-

**SASHA**

Are you giving me the “Chick” part just because I’m a woman?

**TIM**

No one else can hit those amazing and sultry notes like you can.

_[Sasha chuckles for a moment]_

**SASHA**

Alright, fine, a half-decent save. 

**TIM**

Alright… on three. One, two, three!

**GREG and DAVE**

[ _Singing together_ ] A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh~

**TIM**

[ _Singing slightly higher than he normally talks_ ] In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight! In the jungle, the quiet jungle, the lion sleeps tonight!

**SASHA**

[ _Beginning her vocalizing_ ]

[ _Click_ ]

\-----------

[ _Click_ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _Annoyed_ ] Yes yes, you’re all very funny. Now whoever has to document this later is going to have to find a way to edit around all your nonsense.

[ _Jon sighs_ ]

I think I’m going to take Elias up on those vacation days.

[ _Click_ ]


	3. "Magical Evening"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Always make sure of what you're eating... especially if it's at the Archive.

[ _ Click _ ]

[ _ Jon and Martin breathing heavily _ ]

**SASHA**

[ _ Distant _ ] Dammit Tim, I told you it was a bad idea!

[ _ At least four pairs of running footsteps can be heard _ ]

**TIM**

[ _ Distant _ ] How the hell was I supposed to know this would happen!?

**MARTIN**

[ _ Lightly out of breath _ ] Jon, I don’t think they’re with the bad guys! They’re our friends.

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _ Frantic _ ] Martin, you’re the only one I can trust! I-I mean come on, Sasha has been acting weird for a while, right? And then there’s Tim! He’s always somehow right where he needs to be ALL the time!

**MARTIN**

That’s not entirely fair though, maybe Tim’s just-

**ARCHIVIST**

Maybe Tim’s just good at his job? Is that really his defense?

[ _ Jon and Martin’s running stops for a moment _ ]

[ _ Matter-of-factually and quietly _ ] What is it that Tim  _ actually _ does around here?

[ _ A moment of silence before Martin gives a light gasp _ ]

**MARTIN**

[ _ Stunned _ ] I’ve… never seen him do anything productive! He’s always messing around!

  
  


**ARCHIVIST**

[ _ Triumphantly _ ] AHA!

[ _ Running resumes _ ]

**TIM**

[ _ Distantly _ ] Hey! I don’t know what you’re saying but it’s not true!

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _ Breathing heavily _ ] Turning off the recorder, we need to find a quiet space. This way Martin!

[ _ Click _ ]

\--------

[ _ Click _ ]

[ _ Pounding on door _ ]

**TIM**

[ _ Muffled _ ] Come on Jon, just calm down and open the door.

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _ Manic _ ] Never! I sent Elias to get help! You’ll not get us, we know the truth!

**TIM**

[ _ Still muffled, but now annoyed _ ] The truth about what? What the hell is he on about?

**SASHA**

[ _ Muffled as well _ ] How am I supposed to know? Did I or did I not tell you that giving him one of your “Special Cakes” a stupidly bad idea?

**TIM**

Oh sure, of course NOW it’s easy to know it’s a bad idea. How was I supposed to know Jon gets paranoid when he’s high?

[ _ A moment of silence _ ]

Right… never mind. Just, let’s get past that. Perhaps Martin will be able to talk to him?

**MARTIN**

[ _ Defensively _ ] I would never intentionally break Jon’s trust, at least not again!

**ARCHIVIST**

He sees through your lies!

**MARTIN**

I can see them with my eyes! And do you know something? Your cakes taste like LIES!

**TIM**

Oh good hell…

**SASHA**

In all honesty I do think you need to work on your baking, they were kinda bad.

**TIM**

[ _ Irritably _ ] I will not be taking criticism on the POT CAKES that YOU asked me to make! If you don’t like the way they taste, then you make them next time!

**SASHA**

Wow, you’re rather defensive. 

[ _ Tim groans _ ]

But at least they’re locked in the bathroom, so things can’t get much wor-

[ _ Music begins to play over the PA _ ]

**TIM**

Please don’t let that be-

**ELIAS**

[ _ Singing bouncily _ ] We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind, cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance then they ain’t no friends of mine!

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _ Quietly _ ] He admitted to poisoning us! It’s already gotten to Elias before he could leave… I mean listen to him…

**ELIAS**

[ _ Happily singing _ ] And we can totally act like we come from out of this world, and leave it far behind!

**ARCHIVIST**

He’s completely delirious. We’re the only ones that still have our heads on straight Martin.

**MARTIN**

[ _ Worriedly _ ] Jon… I can’t feel my fingers.

**ARCHIVIST**

It’s getting to you. There’s really only one thing left to do… we have to charge out and force them to give us the antidote before it’s too late.

**TIM**

[ _ Annoyed _ ] Oh, sod off Jon! You’re high, not poisoned. If I wanted to poison you I’d have tampered with the tea Martin always gives you!

[ _ Martin and Jon both audibly gasp _ ] 

Not… not that I’ve thought of that or anything.

**SASHA**

Tim, shut it. You’re making things worse.

**TIM**

Me? I’m not making it worse, that racket is making it worse!

**ELIAS**

[ _ Still singing happily _ ] And we can dress real neat, from our hands to our feet, and surprise them with a victory prize!

**SASHA**

I don’t think so. Honestly except for being slightly off key I think he’s doing a bang-up job.

[ _ Jon mutters unintelligibly through the silence _ ]

**TIM**

Sasha, are you high?

**SASHA**

Honestly I thought that was readily apparent.

**TIM**

[ _ Yelling _ ] Can everyone stop getting high for just two seconds!?

**SASHA**

I’m starting to think you don’t know what Pot Cakes are for.

[ _ Tim groans exasperatedly _ ] 

**TIM**

Listen, Jon and Martin are going to be coming through that door any moment.

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _ Yelling manically _ ] How would you know that!? I’m in here and you’re out there? Unless you have secret spy garbage everywhere!

**TIM**

[ _ At about his wits end _ ] I can hear you through this door! It’s basically made of plywood!

**MARTIN**

He does have a point Jon. Many nights I spent rather cold because it gets drafty.

**ARCHIVIST**

Martin, it couldn’t get drafty. Everything was sealed shut, air had a hard time getting down into the furthest rooms of the Archive, remember? 

**MARTIN**

Oh right, there was that one time Greg got himself stuck in the unused staff lounge on the other side of the break room. Poor guy was all blue before we got to him, and snoring like crazy!

**ARCHIVIST**

When did this happen?

**MARTIN**

I promised I wouldn’t tell. 

**ARCHIVIST**

But you just told me it happened.

**MARTIN**

No, I promised I wouldn’t tell when it happened. 

**ARCHIVIST**

Wai-wha-why?

  
  


**MARTIN**

Well you see, it was around the time everyone’s lunches disappeared from the canteen, and he just thought everyone would blame him for sneaking them away and eating them.

**ARCHIVIST**

Well, did he?

**MARTIN**

Oh, absolutely. Did you know he’s lactose intolerant? Turns out that means he can’t eat much cheese either. Poor guy.

**TIM**

I knew it was Greg! I could smell my egg salad on his breath, but noooo. Guy denies it still! Oh, I’m going to have to get him back for that.

**MARTIN**

[ _ Angrily _ ] Don’t you dare! He’s a charming man with a giving soul!

**TIM**

He’s a lunch-stealing twit is what he is!

**MARTIN**

You take that back!

**ELIAS**

[ _ Still singing… _ ] We can dance, we can dance, everyone’s out of control!

**ARCHIVIST**

Martin, we can get them if we rush them! You take Sasha and I’ll take Tim! On three… THREE!

[ _ Door swings open, Martin and Jon yell loudly, crashing and some vague threats _ ]

[ _ CRUNCH _ ]

\---------------

[ _ Click _ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

I, believe I owe it to everyone to-

**TIM**

Sod off with the “Owing it to everyone”!

[ _ Jon sighs _ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

I owe it to  _ Tim _ to leave an explanation of what happened.

**TIM**

You bit me is what happened.

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _ Annoyed _ ] I already said I was sorry. I don’t even really remember it!

**TIM**

Oh, my hand is going to remember it for a long time. I swear Jon if I need to get a shot because of this-

**ARCHIVIST**

I’m sure you’ll be fine. As for my pride, that’ll take some time to heal. I am sorry for using an official recorder, and subsequently getting it stepped on, during what had transpired. And… for breaking the door to bathroom C. 

**MARTIN**

And I’m sorry that I tried to beat up Sasha.

**SASHA**

Tried to beat me up? Hon, that’s not what happened at all. You came flying out, gave me a hug, then started crying about how you’re sorry that you accidentally stole my pen a couple weeks back.

**MARTIN**

I did?

**SASHA**

Yes.

**MARTIN**

Oh…

**SASHA**

By the way, apology accepted. You give the best hugs.

**ARCHIVIST**

Well, all things considered, it could’ve gone much worse.

**SASHA**

Yeah, you ran off with Martin in a paranoid delusion. Elias sang 80’s Hits on the PA… which until today I was sure was broken. And I became a music critic for a hot second. All in all, not a bad day.

**TIM**

Oh sure, maybe not for you. You all got to get Caked, I had to be the sober one! Do you know how fun it is to babysit four grown adults on your own? I wasn’t even getting paid for it!

[ _ Tim sighs _ ] But… I am sorry Jon, I should’ve warned you first.

**ARCHIVIST**

No hard feelings, let’s just try not to make this a habit, sound fair?

**EVERYONE**

Agreed.

**TIM**

At least there’s still two Cakes left. I’ll probably just have the last two over the weekend and call it square.

**ARCHIVIST**

No, we ate them all.

**TIM**

No… I made a total of six cakes. You guys each had one, that leaves two more.

**ARCHIVIST**

Tim, I was just in the canteen, they’re all gone.

**TIM**

Well, they couldn’t have-

[ _ Music slowly gets louder in the distance _ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

The hell?

[ _ Door opens, music gets louder, can faintly hear the sound of wheels passing and something smacking the floor _ ]

[Music] ‘Heading into twilight, spreading out her wings tonight. She got you jumpin’ off the track and shovin’ into overdrive.’

[ _ Music slowly fades into the distance _ ]

**TIM**

Was that Greg and Dave rowing a trash can with mops… listening to Dangerzone?

**ARCHIVIST**

Bollocks.

[ _ Click _ ]


	4. Late Night Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes we all need a little bit of reassurance.

[ _ Click _ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _ Tiredly _ ] Hello?

**MELANIE**

Jon?

**ARCHIVIST**

That’s me. What do you want Melanie, it’s two in the morning.

**MELANIE**

I’m sorry, I remember you telling me you don’t sleep till late. I thought you’d still be awake. I’ll call you some other time.

**ARCHIVIST**

No no, it’s fine. Had a late night encounter you needed to go over?

**MELANIE**

S-something like that.

**ARCHIVIST**

Are you alright? You sound quite… shaken.

**MELANIE**

Do they… ever go away? Or at least, do they get easier to deal with?

[ _ Both are silent for a moment _ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

The dreams?

**MELANIE**

Yeah… 

**ARCHIVIST**

I’m sorry… I don’t think I’m the right person to be talking to about this.

**MELANIE**

You’re the only one I can talk to about this! Who can I go to that won’t prescribe a pill that’ll make me feel dazed, or lock me in some bin in the middle of nowhere because I’m loony?

**ARCHIVIST**

It’s just… [ _ Jon sighs _ ] I’m not good at this sort of thing.

**MELANIE**

Well, perhaps you can tell me how you do it? How do you deal with it every day and not just lose it?

[ _ Jon is silent for a moment _ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

It’s not that simple, Melanie. In my experience, you can’t just stop the dreams. Some nights are worse than others…

**MELANIE**

Great, so you mean it gets worse?

**ARCHIVIST**

No, I mean if you let it… it definitely CAN get worse. 

[ _ Jon chuckles lightly _ ] 

Besides, I’m not quite as together as you might think. The dreams are bad, but I’m always surrounded by it all. My waking life is… scarier than my dreams. At least I can wake up from those.

**MELANIE**

I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to imply-

**ARCHIVIST**

It’s fine, really. I understand that it’s not easy, to make it worse is when you don’t even know the direction to go anymore. 

**MELANIE**

If I at least knew where to start I could do something! I could start feeling better… maybe.

**ARCHIVIST**

I really can’t tell you where to start. All I can say is that being able to reach out, being able to ask for help, that has to count for something, right?

[ _ Melanie sighs _ ]

**MELANIE**

I hope so. I just feel so disconnected. Like somehow I’m suddenly placed on my own island, and all I want is someone else to be here with me.

**ARCHIVIST**

I… know what that’s like. Well, you know, technically you can talk to anyone at the Archive. I’m sure, if nothing else, you’ll get a sympathetic ear.

**MELANIE**

[ _ Chuckling _ ] Is that your way of saying you’re tired and you’d like to go back to sleep?

**ARCHIVIST**

It’s my way of saying that… you are on a new island, but you’re not alone.

**MELANIE**

Thank you… that’s oddly sweet of you. I thought you hated me, to be honest.

**ARCHIVIST**

I don’t hate you, Melanie. I just choose to reserve judgment on your particular occupation.

**MELANIE**

[ _ Sighs _ ] You don’t reserve it very well.

**ARCHIVIST**

Never said I did.

[ _ Both trail off for a moment _ ]

**MELANIE**

I suppose I should let you go. Perhaps I’ll come by and bend an ear for a while, see about sharing my island with the natives.

**ARCHIVIST**

We’ll have a kettle on.

[ _ Melanie hangs up _ ]

[ _ Jon sighs, slowly begins dialing a number. It rings a few times before it’s picked up. _ ]

**MARTIN**

Hello?

**ARCHIVIST**

Hi Martin…

**MARTIN**

Jon? Are you okay?

**ARCHIVIST**

I’m just not sleeping very well.

**MARTIN**

The dreams?

**ARCHIVIST**

Yeah…

**MARTIN**

[ _ Sounding more awake _ ] Do you want to talk about it?

**ARCHIVIST**

I think… I think I’d rather hear about your dreams.

[ _ Martin chuckles sleepily _ ]

**MARTIN**

I think we were on a beach. Not just you and me, but everyone from the Archive. We were on holiday.

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _ Quietly _ ] That would be nice.

**MARTIN**

We can, you know. Maybe for a day or so. All this raving-monster nonsense, it’s too much for any one person to handle.

[ _ Martin chuckles lightly _ ] I know it’s made you a little paranoid but… other than that I don’t know how you do it.

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _ Jon sighs contently _ ]

Oh, I do wonder.

[ _ Click _ ]


	5. A toast, to the memory forgotten!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Begrudging, mourning, confusion. The loss of a friend is never an easy thing.

[ _Click_ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

[ _Quiet chatter in the background_ ]

Hey all, what’re we doing here this evening?

**TIM**

[ _Slightly slurred_ ]

Leave it up to you to not know a wake when you see one, Mr. Head Archivist.

**MARTIN**

It was actually Melanie’s idea to have a small gathering.

**MELANIE**

It just doesn’t feel right, her being gone and all.

[ _Jon sighs, chair scrapes and creaks_ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

No… no it doesn’t.

[ _Hard tapping on recorder_ ]

**TIM**

Hey, we don’t need this… this… crap, here tonight.

**MARTIN**

No, it’s probably a good thing.

**TIM**

How is it a good thing? I mean we’re trying to mourn a friend and we don’t even get the courtesy of doing it in private.

**ARCHIVIST**

Tim’s right, I’ll turn it off.

**MARTIN**

Think about it, we can’t even remember what she looks like properly.

[ _A mournful silence falls._ ]

I can’t even remember what she sounds like. Whenever I try to think of Sasha, all I can think of is… Not-Sasha. There’s no telling what will happen to our altered memories in two weeks, let alone two years or twenty. Do we know if we’ll even remember her after a while? Or will she totally vanish? No, leave it running… as much as it hurts to remember I’ve lost a friend, I’d rather hurt than forget her. She deserves better.

**ARCHIVIST and TIM**

Right.

[ _Sloshing as someone pours a drink_ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

Not to be rude but… why’re you here Melanie? You didn’t know her that well to my knowledge.

**MELANIE**

No, I didn’t. But, I wanted to. She seemed nice.

**MARTIN**

Oh, she was! Very much. She was always ready to listen to any problems you might’ve had, as well as just give you a cup of tea and a shoulder to cry on if you needed it. 

**TIM**

There were times she’d catch me slacking off in some cafe, and instead of coming in and telling me I had to get going on my work, she’d just have a cup and we’d chat for a while. Things were often awkward between us but… she always tried.

**ARCHIVIST**

She and I… we didn’t talk much. But, I don’t think it was because she disliked me. I think somehow, deep down, she knew I’m not much of a talker. At least, not small talk. But there were times when stress was getting to me she’d tell me some silly joke or random fact to lift my spirits.

**MELANIE**

She sounded truly fantastic.

**TIM**

That is… if we’re remembering the right person, and not the figment.

**MARTIN**

I hadn’t considered that. I mean… could that, Not-Sasha do that? Completely change our memory of her?

**ARCHIVIST**

I don’t believe so. We all knew she was acting strange, didn’t we? She might’ve made us think she was Sasha, but we all had some varying degree of suspicion.

**TIM**

Fat load of good that did, didn’t it? She’s still gone, and we’ve nothing to show for it. Not even the broken corpse of that monster, assuming it’s dead of course.

**MARTIN**

Don’t talk like that. 

**MELANIE**

We don’t have to talk about that monster. It’s morbid, we could easily replace it with a car to kill her, or a freak fire, or a mugging gone wrong. Either way, she’s gone. We don’t have to talk about the how or the why, only that she is.

**TIM**

I can drink to that notion.

**MARTIN**

Wait, what if we do that?

…

I mean, that creature stole Sasha from us, then replaced her. Maybe the best thing we could do then is the same. We forget about it. There is only Sasha.

[ _Light mumblings of agreement_ ]

No, that’s not good enough.

**ARCHIVIST**

What do you want us to say Martin? We agree with you, we can move on by remembering Sasha.

**MARTIN**

I want to hear you all say: “There is only Sasha.”

**TIM**

You think by making us say some silly thing your alcohol addled brain came up with, that we’ll magically feel better?

**MARTIN**

No! It won’t even be a start. It won’t make anything alright again, it won’t bring her back, and it won’t erase our doubts about it all! You know what it will do? We replace that monster with OUR Sasha. After that?

[ _A couple angry grunts from Martin_ ]

**TIM**

Hey! Martin that’s my lager!

**MARTIN**

[ _Martin sighs contently then belches_ ]

Sod it!

[ _Pouring of drinks_ ]

To Sasha! May we always remember the happiness she brought us.

…

[ _Glasses clinking together_ ]

**ARCHIVIST/TIM/MELANIE**

There is only Sasha.

[ _Martin begins to quietly sob_ ]

**ARCHIVIST**

Oh… Martin.

[ _Click_ ]


	6. Ambushing 101

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you get a plan to succeed? Let a couple patsies fail of course.

[ _ Click _ ]

**MELANIE**

Right, you guys up on the plan?

[ _ Quiet chuckling _ ]

**GREG**

Sure thing. 

**DAVE**

Of course. I mean… but why so elaborate? We’re just trying to give him a scare, right?

**GREG**

Now that I think about it, I have no idea how old Elias is. His ticker might not be so good.

**MELANIE**

It’s elaborate because he’s an all-knowing monster, and he’ll see something simple coming from a mile away.

…

I’m kidding guys. He’s just really good at seeing through surprises is all.

[ _ Both Greg and Dave give nervous chuckles _ ]

I do have to ask though, why’re you guys taping this?

**DAVE**

Cause the others are gonna go ape when they hear it! It’s gotta be worth a few points with the others, yeah? I mean, you make it sound like no one’s ever gotten the jump on him.

…

**MELANIE**

Right. Well, have fun with that. I’m going to get into position, you guys just do your part and it’ll be totally worth it.

[ _ Greg and Dave giggling _ ]

[ _ Click _ ]

\----------

[ _ Click _ ]

**DAVE**

[ _ Whispering _ ] Right, so we’ve replaced Elias’ dinner with something a bit… spicier... earlier today. So, when he goes to throw it away he’s going to have to leave his office.

[ _ Snickering _ ]

**GREG**

We moved his trash can so he’ll have to throw it away in the hallway trash. When he does, Dave is going to sneak in and hide in Elias’ office closet.

**DAVE**

Oh! They can’t see us!

**GREG**

Right right! Dave is dressed up as something we picked up at some garage sale. Not sure if it’s meant to be a monster, but it’s hideous!

**DAVE**

After I hide in the closet, Greg is going to get Elias’ attention. Then, I’ll sneak out, come up behind him and try to scare him.

**GREG**

After he’s good and scared we let him know it was just a joke, lead him back to the canteen to get his real food, and on the way there Melanie is going to give him the real scare!

**DAVE**

Not saying I  _ couldn’t _ be the one to really scare him, this suit just isn’t very believable.

[ _ Shuffling as Greg and Dave sneak along _ ]

[ _ Muffled sounds of plastic unwrapping _ ]

**GREG**

[ _ Whispering _ ] Is he… eating it? I thought he hated spicy food.

**DAVE**

[ _ Whispering _ ] We have to get him out of the office somehow.

**ELIAS**

[ _ Muffled _ ]

You know, you guys whisper too loud.

[ _ Greg and Dave groan _ ]

Come on in for a minute.

[ _ Door opens _ ]

Wow… you weren’t kidding. That getup really is hideous.

**DAVE**

[ _ Happily _ ] Thanks.

**GREG**

We’re just trying to have some fun, hope you’re not too mad.

**ELIAS**

Quite the contrary, I’m mildly amused actually. I assume Melanie was involved in this too?

**DAVE**

Yeah, she thought it’d be fun to give you a good scare.

**ELIAS**

Well… let her know that next time she has to try better than some spicy food and a… what are you supposed to be?

**DAVE**

Oh, I’m like the zombie beach-bum version of Bono. 

**ELIAS**

It’s not too bad, but it’d be easier to see if you went with the sunglasses next time.

**DAVE**

See? I told you I was missing something.

**ELIAS**

In either case boys, you’re going to have to leave. It’s after hours, and I still have a lot of work to do. So, I’ll see you out. It was a good effort though.

[ _ Both Greg and Dave groan _ ]

[ _ Walking down the quiet hallways] _

**GREG**

Oh, wait, I’ll see you guys up front. I think I left my-

[ _ Sharp, panicked inhale, scuffling noise, door shuts _ ]

Okay… Melanie, I know you want to scare him, but I think that might’ve done him in!

**MELANIE**

That was the whole point! I knew he’d figure out the plan, and he wouldn’t expect me to… scare him… after it failed! He’d think I was just wandering the halls waiting to scare him.

**GREG**

WITH A GUN!?

**MELANIE**

It’s not real.

…

Okay, so it’s real. But it had to be or else it wouldn’t scare him. At least it’s not loaded.

…

Okay, so it’s loaded, but it  _ had  _ to be authentic. You don’t know this guy like I do.

…

What?

**GREG**

If I didn’t know any better… I’d say you were trying to kill Elias.

**MELANIE**

What? No! Why would I even do that? I mean he’s fun… and funny… and a good guy…

…

**GREG**

[ _ Gleefully _ ] Oh wait, I know what this is.

**MELANIE**

You… do?

**GREG**

Of course! Used to happen to me in primary school all the time.

**MELANIE**

Girls pointed guns at you?

**GREG**

No! Well, there was that one time-no. I think, you’re picking on our dear Elias… because you liiiikkkeeee him!

**MELANIE**

[ _ Shocked _ ] What?

**GREG**

Yeah! Oh, I can totally see it now that I’m looking for it!

**MELANIE**

Stop looking for it.

**GREG**

You know, you can just tell him. You don’t have to be all Ms. Bully to get his attention.

**MELANIE**

I really don’t want his attention.

**GREG**

I mean, you’re both adults!

**MELANIE**

I don’t like where this is heading, so please stop.

**GREG**

I mean, he’s a grown man, you’re a grown woman, just give him a chance to show you his tender side.

**MELANIE**

I want to see his tender side alright. I want to see it on the other end of my barrel with a four inch hole in it.

**GREG**

That’d be lovely! I’m sure he’d be- wait, what?

[ _ Door opens _ ]

**ELIAS**

There you are Greg! You just disappeared, I’d half thought some monster just swallowed you whole! And you’re with Melanie, that’s good. At least now I know she’s not stalking the halls just waiting to… pop out at me. Might’ve actually done me in.

**DAVE**

By the way, Greg was right! Apparently Elias’ ticker isn’t the best.

**ELIAS**

That’s right. If my heart takes too much the results can be… less than appealing.

…

**DAVE**

Wow, did anyone else feel that ominous chill just now? Ugh, if there’s more creepy crawlies in the walls I will quit, I swear to it! I refuse to vacuum up more bugs! Took me ages to get them all out of the canteen.

**GREG**

Don’t get me started on the insane clogs in the sinks and toilets.

**ELIAS**

This has all been amusing… but it’s about time we all got on with our days. 

**DAVE and GREG**

Right.

[ _ Click _ ]

\-----------

[ _ Click _ ]

**MELANIE**

I know you have no reason to, but I would really love it if you’d destroy that tape.

**ELIAS**

[ _ Amused _ ] Why? Does it have something to do with Greg believing you’re in love with me?

**MELANIE**

That might have a  _ bit _ to do with it.

**ELIAS**

I’ll tell you what, you don’t give me any grief for say… a month… and I’ll destroy it. Try to kill me again before a month is up and I’ll release Greg’s thoughts to the entire staff. And then I’ll tell Greg that I listened to the tape, asked you out, and you denied me. Said I smelled of old man and leather chairs.

**MELANIE**

Don’t do that please… he would literally hound me forever.

**ELIAS**

So… do we have a deal?

**MELANIE**

Sure, fine! Whatever. Just… please don’t engage Greg with this whole thing. You know he gets obsessed easily.

**ELIAS**

I won’t, I promise. 

[ _ Door shuts, Elias chuckling _ ]

I want you to know if you ever get this tape back Melanie… Greg and Dave already have a “Melias” ship going on. I will keep my promise, I won’t engage for any reason!

[ _ Elias laughing heavily _ ]

  
[ _ Click _ ]


	7. Right hand of the Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's better to serve, than be in the path.

[ _Click_ ]

**JACOBS**

Are you sure you want me to record this? I mean, our talks can be confidential. 

**ELIAS**

[ _Elias breathing deeply_ ] I’m sure. To be totally honest, I think it’s you who’s not needed. Although, I think it’d be best to have a witness.

**JACOBS**

Well, as your lawyer I don’t think you should say anything incriminating. Especially not on tape.

**ELIAS**

[ _Distortion slowly rising_ ] Why, Mr. Jacobs, your discretion about knowing incriminating evidence is exactly why I chose you. I mean, I do love a man who can keep secrets.

**JACOBS**

[ _Stuttering_ ] Elias, I-I’m not too sure I un-

**ELIAS**

[ _Distortion rising in pitch_ ] Oh please Mr. Jacobs, your work on the Rowan case? Classic. I really appreciated your discretion on the O'Bannon scandal as well.

**JACOBS**

Eli-Eias… I-

**ELIAS**

[ _Distortion fading_ ] I just need you to sit there quietly, and let me get what I need to, on the record.

…

Thank you.

[ _Elias clears his throat_ ]

Hello Jon, by the time you get this and you’ve woken up, you’ll notice some things will be… different. Change can either be a good thing or they can be a bad thing, depends on how YOU react to it.

I’ve assigned someone in my stead, he’s more than qualified to keep it all up and running. He may even improve some things. I’d recommend you don’t fight him on these changes, he’s many things… but patient for impertinence is not one of them. Stay in line… EVERYONE stay in line… or you’ll find our turnover rate might just rise. Again.

Jon, you’re going to have to work hard, very hard, once you come back. I say “When” and not “If”, because we know you. Too scared to let go, too hungry for knowledge to to let it go, and too full of vengeance to forget about it. That’s good, you’ll need those traits if you hope to continue surviving. If you plan on saving the others you will need to accept your place.

[ _Distortion rises again_ ] They’re coming. They understand now, they _all_ … understand now. They will want what we have. They will come for you all. You cannot present as weak, you cannot give ground, you cannot negotiate, and you will cannot lose sight of the goal. You’ve joined the winning side now, and the only way to keep winning, will force you to choose between your friends and the world.

[ _Elias chuckles_ ] Which will you choose? You’ve already sacrificed Tim and Daisy for the sake of the world, would you be willing to sacrifice the others? What is this world worth to you? I guess, we’ll find out. I’m sorry my powers are not yet to the point of omniscience, but I can tell you one final thing: It’s going to be one hell of a ride.

[ _Distortion fades_ ] Now, if you’d please give that to my associate back at the Archive, I’d really appreciate it.

**JACOBS**

What... what are you?

**ELIAS**

I am what I’ve always been Mr. Jacobs.

[ _Distortion rises to a nearly overbearing degree_ ] I am, and always will be, the life-giving and beating heart of the Magnus Institutes’ Archive.

  
[ _Click_ ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next couple chapter may take longer to get out... I'm actually currently listening to them all for the first time and I just finished Ep. 122. I will be posting more, because I LOVE this Podcast and it inspires so many ideas. I really hope you guys are enjoying my content, and thank you so much for viewing!


	8. Where do we go from here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The question between what's fair and what's right, don't always have the same answer.

[ _ Click _ ]

**DAVE**

[ _ Exhausted _ ] What are we supposed to do? I mean, Tim is dead, Daisy is missing, and Jon’s in a coma at the hospital. To make things even more complicated, our boss has been arrested and no one’s giving us any answers.

**GREG**

[ _ Irritably _ ] It’s because we’re not part of the ‘Archive’. You’re just the janitor and I’m just the maintenance guy. They only really call on us when they need something. They didn’t even decide to tell us Sasha died until yesterday, after they’d known for two weeks!

**DAVE**

[ _ Scoffs _ ]

We might not work directly in the Archive, but we’re their friends too. Or at least, I thought we were.

[ _ Door slowly creaks open _ ]

**GREG**

Hello, Martin.

**MARTIN**

I heard what you two were saying. I know you guys don’t quite understand why but… what you’re saying isn’t fair.

**DAVE**

[ _ Angrily _ ] Not fair!? Was it fair that you didn’t tell us one of our friends died until WEEKS later? Or, was it fair when you somehow failed to tell us that Jon was in a coma? You’re all our friends too, so don’t talk to me about fair.

**MARTIN**

There’s things you don’t know… things that are so much bigger than you can imagine.

**DAVE**

So don’t let me imagine! How about you just explain it and let us decide if we want to stick it out or run? Because unless I’m wrong, somehow I don’t think working in an Archive for paranormal run-ins has “Getting yourself blown up” written into the contract.

**MARTIN**   
We’re trying to protect you guys!

**DAVE**

So stop protecting us. If we don’t know what’s going on we can’t help.

**GREG**

And if we don’t know what’s so dangerous, how’re we supposed to just not accidentally walk into it blindly? Ignorance isn’t bliss… it’s suicide.

**MARTIN**

Y-you guys… it’s just-

**DAVE**

Martin, sometimes it is okay to share the burden.

[ _ Martin chuckles _ ]

**MARTIN**

I said something very similar to Jon once, not too long ago actually. I think I’m beginning to understand why he didn’t want to burden me with it.

[ _ Martin is audibly deflated _ ] Fine… if you guys want to know what’s really going on, I’ll explain it. I can’t promise you’ll believe me though.

**DAVE**

Tim and Sasha are both dead, Jon’s not waking up, and Daisy’s missing. You could basically tell me that you were all roped into serving some paranormal superpower and you’ve been trying to save the world ever since.

…

[ _ Realization _ ] Fuck off.

**MARTIN**

There’s a lot more to it than that, but that’s actually a really succinct sum of it. But first, how long has that been on?

**GREG**

Um, to be honest I didn’t know it was. Was just in here when we came in.

**MARTIN**

Great… chalk up some more weird-

[ _ Click _ ]

\----------------

[ _ Click _ ]

**DAVE**

Well… that’s a lot to digest.

**MARTIN**

I told you it was big.

**GREG**

Yeah, to be honest though I was kind of hoping it was like we were somehow working for MI6 or something. I mean, that would explain cloak-and-dagger and the explosions.

**DAVE**

So, what now? What’re we supposed to do? We’re not exactly equipped to fight Gods and Avatars. That’s something you’d find in an American movie, possibly with giant lasers and mechs. Do you think they have any of those lying around?

**MARTIN**

Unlikely, but you’re right. Thing is, once you know about this stuff it kinda paints a target on you that you can’t wash off. Those of us that work in the Archive are more or less safe, but not safe enough to protect us when we’re not here. As you’ve noticed.

**GREG**

Well… why don’t we hit them right where it hurts? Bring the fight to them? I mean, you have the Archive, surely they must have some kind of base.

**MARTIN**

If it was that simple I’m sure Jon or Basira would’ve discovered it. God knows they’re obsessed enough.

**DAVE**

What can we do to help? Obviously neither of us have any powers or anything, 

**GREG**

Speak for yourself. I happen to have powers beyond your imagination.

**MARTIN**

Yeah? Like what?

**GREG**

I said “Beyond your imagination”. 

[ _ Dave and Martin both chuckle lightly. Martin sighs heavily. _ ]

**MARTIN**

I hate these things.

  
[ _ Click _ ]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the delay in the chapters, especially since they're not all overly long. First I had to catch up, then I decided to take a break so I didn't burn out. The next one will come out shortly.


	9. To all the Knobheads I've loved before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes when you go looking in the deep reaches, you find personal things.

[ _ Click _ ]

**GREG**

[ _ Echoing _ ] So… I don’t exactly get why we’re down here.

**MARTIN**

[ _ Quietly _ ] Well, I was down here looking for something to help Jon with possibly, and it turns out that I did manage to find something interesting, but not exactly something helpful.

**GREG**

What, did you accidentally let a Demogorgon loose or something?

[ _ Walking stops for a moment _ ]

**MARTIN**

I didn’t take you for a Stranger Things fan.

**GREG**

You never know what might be lurking nowadays, I thought it would be good to brush up on some things. Specifically, I thought something called ‘Stranger Things’ might have some insight. I even picked up a Dungeons and Dragons monster book.

**MARTIN**

I’m not sure how accurate all that’s going to be though, so don’t go overboard.

**GREG**

Hey, I’d rather be ready for a Bugdog and it not exist, then not know about it and get mauled by it,

[ _ Martin sighs audibly _ ]

**MARTIN**

First off, it’s called a Bugbear.

**GREG**

Even worse.

**MARTIN**

Second, I guess that’s a fair enough point. No idea what is just made up anymore.

**GREG**

So… do you want to tell me what you did find?

**MARTIN**

[ _ Apprehensively _ ] Yeah, sure. 

[ _ Rustling as Martin pulls something out of a pack _ .]

**GREG**

A… Diary? 

**MARTIN**

Yeah. When I found it, it was blank. Didn’t stay that way for long.

**GREG**

Whose is it? Does it say?

[ _ Amused _ ] Is it Elias’? That would totally make my night if we happen to find something that gives us some kind of insight to that man’s thoughts.

**MARTIN**

If I tell you, you have to promise to never tell another living soul.

**GREG**

What? Well, um, okay I guess. I promise.

[ _ Martin takes in a deep breath _ ]

**MARTIN**

It’s mine, apparently. Shortly after I opened it and was looking through it, I started noticing that something started writing in it. Like words just appearing on the paper. Intimate memories and such.

**GREG**

Well, that doesn’t sound too bad. I mean, just keep it hidden and no one will read it.

**MARTIN**

That was only the beginning. Shortly after that, an old acquaintance began talking to me. In person.

**GREG**

[ _ Amused _ ] Oh? Like what kind of old-

**??? #1**

[ _ Cutesy _ ] Oh Martin! Are you telling this handsome man about me?

**GREG**

Wait, who’re you?

**??? #1**

[ _ Embellished _ ] Oh, little ol’ me? I’m the first kiss.

**GREG**   
[ _ Teasingly _ ] Oh!? Do tell! Where’d you two meet?

**MARTIN**

W-we really don-

**??? #1**

Honestly, we met in primary school, but this guy was a grade behind me. He had a crush on me since about-

[ _ Odd popping sound and a startled sound from Greg _ ]

**GREG**

What did you do to him?

**MARTIN**

The diary came with a fountain pen. It can’t write anything in the diary, but when you poke one of the people with it they just pop like bubbles. It also erases the diary entry they’re in.

**GREG**

So, you brought me down here to what… be a hitman on all your embarrassing memories?

**MARTIN**

You swore to never tell anyone. 

**GREG**

I promise I won’t, but why don’t you just do it? I mean, that’d make it easier and you never would’ve had to tell someone about this, right?

**MARTIN**

I have some… errands… to attend to. Peter needs me to do some things that requires me to be away for a while.

**GREG**

Alright, I’ll take care of your situation for you.

**MARTIN**

[ _ Relieved _ ] Thank you. 

**GREG**

But I make no promises to not tease you later. 

**MARTIN**

Fair enough… I guess. Just, leave a note or something on my desk once it’s done. I’ll see it sooner or later.

**GREG**

Alright. I guess I’ll see you later maybe.

[ _ Footsteps fading away into the background as Martin walks away. Greg’s footsteps continue to echo as he walks through the Artifact Storage. _ ]

Yeah… this is a great idea. Walking alone in the Little Storage of Horrors, what can go wrong? I mean it’s not like we’d intentionally keep anything dangerous ri-

**??? #2**

[ _ Suddenly but pleasantly _ ] Hello there!

**GREG**

Oh, god! 

**??? #2**

I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. It just didn’t seem right to interrupt your train of thought.

**GREG**

Uh, thanks? Yeah, you probably should just announce yourself next time.

**??? #2**

Oh, Martin is always saying that. Then again, you can’t exactly take it too seriously. That boy used to jump if he caught his reflection in the corner of his eye.

[ _ Both Greg and the figment chuckle for a short moment. _ ]

**GREG**

So… who’re you supposed to be?

**??? #2**

Junior High Crush. He always wanted to try and ask me out, but he could never work up the nerve to say something. Plus, he was always ashamed to admit it, he didn’t think he could handle constantly looking over his shoulder for me. He thought I’d be the death of him.

**GREG**

If only he knew then how his life would’ve turned out.

**??? #2**

I did ask him out once. But apparently I spooked him, and he was so embarrassed how he screamed that he never did answer. We didn’t see each other much after that.

**GREG**

That sounds like Martin. 

**??? #3**

Oh, are we talking about Martin?

**GREG**

Oh wow, who’re you?

**??? #3**

I’m the bad-boy. 

**GREG**

I can see that. The leather jacket and matching leather pants kinda gave it away.

**??? #2**

Oh, Martin’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest when he saw you!

**??? #3**

[ _ Smugly _ ] I know. Oh man, I used to keep him up at night with-

[ _ Familiar popping sound _ ]

**GREG**

Yeah, I didn’t want to hear any of that.

**??? #2**

Well, that’s fine. But you should know that when you accidentally sneak up on him, he makes the cutest-

[ _ Another popping sound _ ]

**GREG**

Don’t get me wrong Martin, I’m glad I could be useful, but I’m a little uncomfortable chatting with your exes. 

**??? #4**

We’re not ALL his exes. Some of us are just crushes or very powerful memories.

**GREG**

Wait…

**??? #4**

[ _ Sing-song _ ] Waiting!

**GREG**   
You’re a girl.

**??? #4**

Of course I’m a girl.

**GREG**

Isn’t he-

**??? #4**

Gay? Oh yeah. I was his experimental phase. Lasted a couple awkward makeouts and one horror movie before it ended.

**GREG**

Alright, hold on a moment. I’m still trying to process.

**??? #4**

What’s there to process? Did you think gay people didn’t have experimental phases?

**GREG**

Honestly I didn’t know what to think. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love everyone I work with but sometimes I get the feeling I’m the only straight person in the building.

**??? #4**

You know I once said the same thing to him right before we broke up? It might’ve been a bit harsh, but it did let him realize some things about himself. The breakup was friendly, we lost contact after High School though. 

**GREG**

Wow, well I didn’t know that about him. I’m actually kinda sorry I gotta pop you. I’m sure he could go for a good friend right about now.

**??? #4**

Oh, it’s fine. I totally understand. It’s just the way these things go, no hard feelings.

[ _ Sad popping sound _ ]

**GREG**

Did she just seriously use a breakup line on me?

[ _ Several minutes of quiet walking, then the sound of quiet writing on paper. _ ]

[ _ Surprised _ ] Jon!? What’re you doing here?

[ _ Quiet writing continues _ ]

Oh, wait… you’re not actually here are you?

…

I think I’m beginning to see why Martin couldn’t spare a few minutes to do this himself.

**??? #5**

[ _ Matter-of-factly _ ] That’s part of it. His heart already hurts with the real me lying in a hospital bed, he couldn’t bring himself to pop me. He’d be too tempted to just sit and watch me work.

**GREG**

You’re somehow less... friendly... than I remember you. Not that I remember you being all that fond of me to begin with.

**??? #5**

That’s because Martin spent years being my friend and fawning over me, but never getting the same kind of attention back. Keep up, all of us that you’re just popping like bubbles are nothing more than his perception of us.

**GREG**

But, if this is how he saw Jon, then why is he in love with him.

**??? #5**

[ _ Sighs heavily _ ] Look over there.

**??? #6**

Hi, Greg.

**GREG**

Oh god, why’s there two of you? My life is already having a hard time with just one of you.

**??? #6**

Because, that one was mysterious. Always working on something and so intense. He was pre-Archive. Sure, he was Martin’s friend, but you couldn’t crack him for a second. Me on the other hand, I’m what Martin started seeing after the worms. Attentive, willing to open up-on occasion, and protective. We’re almost two different people to Martin.

**GREG**

That makes sense, still doesn’t help that there’s still two too many of you in this room.

**??? #5**

[ _ Irritably _ ] Oh, if you’re going to pop us, just do it already or let me get back to-

[ _ If popping sounds could be irritated _ ]

**GREG**

Wow, that guy was a prick.

**??? #6**

Only when he was working. Get him down at the local cafe and he was a lot less tense.

**GREG**

Did he ever not work? I’ve spent time around him when he was “not clocked in” and he’s pretty much the same.

**??? #6**

Not to Martin he’s not. 

**GREG**

[ _ Getting it _ ] Ooohhhh. Well, I ship it.

**??? #6**

Aren’t you straight?

**GREG**

Hey, I’m an ally ok? Love is love, even if he has bad taste in men.

**??? #6**

He’s aware.

**GREG**

Oh, I’m so telling Jon you said that when he wakes up.

**??? #6**

You made a promise, remember? You can’t tell anyone about us.

**GREG**

Wow, word travels fast.

**??? #6**

We might all be private thoughts and feelings, that doesn’t mean we don’t like to gossip while we have the chance.

[ _ Sighs _ ] Well, have at it then.

[ _ Repressed popping sound _ ]

**GREG**

Ugh… Martin… we need to really have a talk about you and your love life.

**??? #7**

[ _ Giggly _ ] Hey there!

**GREG**

My god Martin, how many of them are there?

[ _ Click _ ]

\---------

[ _ Click _ ]

**MARTIN**

[ _ Stuttering _ ] For the record I don’t appreciate your note Greg. I-I’m not a floozy. I’ve had a perfectly normal number of crushes in my life! A-and, why they hell am I even explaining myself to you? You know what? I won’t, not anymore! I don’t owe you an explanation of anything. And no, I will not explain my Bowie/Bono thing. That’s for me and me alone, you hear me?

[ _ Disgusted _ ] Ugh…

[ _ Click _ ]


End file.
